She
arrived at our interview with her 4x4 car, her mom, her husband and her little
baby.
Diam’s
decided to appear for the first time on TV to tell us a very uncommon story how
did she move from Rap to Islam, how did she leave her hell of depression to her
paradise of Islam. Her veil was the object of controversy without her ever
expressing herself on the subject.
She
stopped rapping and hasn’t said anything about it so she is now speaking
tonight for the first time with her heart open and her words that don’t rap
anymore.
TV: Diams;
do you want us to call you Melanie or ‘Diam’s’ today?
Diams: Melanie;
I have become…just an ordinary woman so I don’t need a nickname anymore.
TV: It
has been almost 4 years that you haven’t been on Television. Have you hesitated
a lot before appearing on one? Why…because of your veil?
Melanie: For
many reasons; already because of the way I am dressed. I know that I will be shocking
but also on my apprehension on how you will question me since I know that not
everyone is kind, respectful and tolerant.
TV: You
are scared that we will question you only about your veil?
Melanie: In
fact; it doesn’t disturb me to talk. What disturbs me is the way it’s
done. I know that I have an understanding that is not very easy for others to
understand. I know that there will be a lot of questioning on this. I was a
rapper and so I understand but on the other hand, I gained so much peace and
serenity (in my new faith) that I don’t have time to deal with feelings like
anger and hate. I prefer staying at home calm and at peace.
TV: Did
your hijab (scarf) help you to sort out all that was wrong when you were on
stage?
Melanie: Oh yes,
it completely healed my heart. I know now what I am doing here on earth (life).
I am no longer a free electron or a grain of sand lost in a storm that doesn’t
know what he’s doing here. I know why I’m here (on earth). And waking every
morning trying to get better is a huge program in one day.
TV: Is it
true when you say that discovering “your God;” you felt really loved for the
first time?
Melanie: Ah! Yes,
yes, when you know that you have the love of God, you feel fulfilled.
TV: In
your book you’ve written: “people would prefer that I grilled in the same glory
as Amy Winehouse.” (Note: Amy Winehouse was the British singer who recently
died of drug overdose.)
Melanie: Yes,
what I meant was that when I was reading what my critics were saying about me,
I wondered if people would have said the same if I ended up like “Amy
Whinehouse” or any other depressed artist…would they have said what they said
about me? Would have they said that I was a danger to the youth? Is that the
danger; to look for peace and to be a good person and wanting a family life? If
others decided to destroy their lives; it’s not the same end I’m willing to
have.
TV: you
loved rap music?
Melanie: Yeah,
it was becoming all my life. It was a music genre that didn’t require me to
know how to sing or play an instrument or anything like that. What was
important was to have things to say and the way you say it. I had something in
my heart so I would; I shout it out. It just came out when it had to.
TV: First
album when 17 years old?
Melanie: Yeah!
TV: Rap
start at 22?
Melanie: uhmm!
TV: You
are overall the biggest album seller in France!
Melanie: Yea,
it’s crazy. Even I was overwhelmed; just to say it today…I know that no one yet
attained it.
TV: And
the public loved you; do you miss them?
Melanie: In
reality; I never considered my fans as anonymous crowd. For me, everyone is a
reflection of my personal life. They always tells me that what I was singing
was exactly what they were living. I loved confessing myself to them and they
loved doing the same back to me. I suffered from being considered heartless
person and that I could no longer have a discussion with someone who suffered.
TV: What
shocked us was: throughout your years as Rap Star, we saw your energy and pleasing
way of being on stage; even a joy of life but we never imagined that glory
didn’t suit you.
Melanie: When
I was performing; I forgot my pain that’s true. When I was on stage; it was
intense, same thing when I am in the studio besides that; silence, anxiety and
loneliness were big inside me. The coming of recognition as a “star” really
didn’t fit inside of me. Even if many people considered that I enjoyed this
state of life. Yes, I have tried to enjoy this kind of life but I never manage
to do so. I tried to have fun in parties, I tried to socialize. I tried to do
all these kinds of things but then again, I thought to myself that this wasn’t
right…
TV: and
yet; you had all the things a star could have wanted.
Melanie: Yeah!
TV: You
had the cars, the shoes, the phones, all the wanting.
Melanie: I had
everything; I had everything that anyone dreamed of having in a star’s life.
TV: So
you were wrong about what you dreamed of?
Melanie: No, I
believed in this dream but it was just an illusion in fact I wasn’t big headed
but I had all the symptoms. I was so self-possessed that I used to ignore my
surroundings for example; we go somewhere and there is a team of 100 people and
you leave without thinking to thank anybody. Today; I am conscious of this.
TV: How
many albums did you sell in total?
Melanie:
Around 3-4 million sold.
TV: How
many performances?
Melanie:
around 50.
TV: So…a
crazy life?
Melanie: A
crazy life…
TV: You
were able to buy an apartment for your mother? You also bought an immense
apartment for yourself but nonetheless; you ended up alone inside it.
Melanie: I
cried by myself in fact, that’s what people don’t seem to realize, that is why, it makes me smile when I hear
people saying; “yeah, she ruined her career!” I feel like telling them, “is
that really the purpose of life?” How many people suicide or are under
psychiatric treatment after attempting to earn a high paying/famous job. I know
that’s not true because I was this “business manager, that boss, that big
business woman but I was still upset, I was still lonely as ever. I sometimes
used to cry like a baby not knowing what I was doing on this earth. “Why me..?”
“Why this success…?” “Why this money…?” These were the questions I kept on
asking myself.
TV: You
were on top of your glory in March, 2008 at the “Victoire de la msique.” You
had a standing ovation because you just sang “Ma France a Moi.” 3 weeks before
the show; you spent a month in a psychiatric hospital and you returned home 2
days after.
Melanie: What
people don’t know is that I was completely destroyed. I was taking pills. I
just got out of a psychiatric hospital. I was just doing what I had to do
really and then everyone stood up and it was completely beyond me. I felt like
saying “stop…you don’t know what you are seeing is just an envelope but inside
there is nothing, it’s empty. “I’m empty, I’m sad.” I don’t like my life. I
don’t even like life itself.” I felt like yelling on the microphone, “Stop…stop
clapping…please just stop!”
TV: And
you returned to the hospital 2 days after…
Melanie: Yea,
I returned 2 days after.
TV: And
it’s the downward slope to hell with medications.
Melanie: Yeah,
it was the medications and the psychiatrics. They kept trying to sooth my pain
but since they failed to do so, they eased the pain and they eased my pain with
pills.
TV: And
no more inspiration, no more lyrics…emptiness in the mind.
Melanie: No
more; no more heart; a heart that beats but is if no use. It doesn’t make you
cry or smile, it’s empty.
TV: Until
the day you started taking too many drugs because life was unbearable. You were
rescued in a narrow escape.
Melanie: Exactly
up to the day that I wanted to sleep. Basically, I didn’t really want to die
because I never exactly saw death as being a rest personally but I always had
this feeling of going to sleep.
TV: To
understand how serious this depression was, you were a danger to yourself and
nearly for others.
Melanie: Yeah!
TV: It
was crazy times, you wrote in your book.
Melanie: Yes,
yes…yeah and the pain was big enough for them to prefer keeping me isolated so
that I don’t hurt others and I don’t hurt myself.
TV: Then
it happened what you described to be the most wonderful thing in your life, is
that one night…you were with friends Charlotte who is a catholic and Zouzzou.
Melanie:
Soussou…
TV:
Soussou who is a Muslim who tells you, “I’m going to pray…”
Melanie: Yeah!
TV: And
you tell her something amazing, “I really want to pray too.”
Melanie: “Yeah;
me too.” Throughout this whole year where I’ve been cumulating clinic stays,
medications, depressions and even suicide attempts. I was always a believer but
I had a hard time to hold on…to God. It wasn’t a big thing in my life; it
wasn’t something important. I believed in one God just like a creator. From
time to time; I often said to myself, “I would really like to talk to God!” The
idea just sprung to my mind and then after a while I would just give up and
carry on with my life and then all of a sudden; your (Muslim) friend is there
and tells you, “well, I’m going to pray” but then I say, “But I want to pray
too, I want to talk to God too!” And then she just tells me; okay, come then…”
and I experienced something…
TV: And
you bowed down for the first time in your life.
Melanie: I bowed
down for the first time. I put my forehead on the ground. I felt like…not
something you would do to anyone other than God. It was strange to be
prostrated. It was just like two mountains fell off my shoulder when I bowed
down.
TV: The
question we want to ask you…your parents were catholic so why did you choose
Islam?
Melanie: I was
convinced, well at that moment, I was lost. Actually, I was raised by a mother
who didn’t talk much about religion. My grandparents were catholic. Indeed, I
have learnt a lot about Catholicism from them. I used to go to mass and all
that. I was baptized and confirmed following that; I’ve have friends from
different confessions. For me; it was true that the Muslims spiritually stood
out. Just to say that I couldn’t exactly see the spirituality in other
religious groups but Muslims had Ramadan and such. I saw that they were doing
something for God and I want to do something for God too…and that was when I
went on a holiday to Mauritius.
TV:
Mauritius…?
Melanie: …to
Mauritius with the Holy Qur’an in my bag because I was advised to take it with
me and read it. It was a book that I opened in; how should I say it: simplicity
without even realizing what I was going to read.
TV: Very
excited…?
Melanie: And it
was the revelation; you can put it that way. Yes, and it was the revelation and
the ultimate conviction that God exists.
TV: And
at that moment you were still a rap star and you didn’t ask yourself whether it
was to be complicated? The prayers…?
Melanie: Only
when I wear the Hijab otherwise the prayers weren’t a problem. I just thought
that I would do them behind closed doors.
TV: But
why did you choose to wear the hijab. Couldn’t you be a Muslim woman without
it?
Melanie: Well, no
because the more I read about the religion the more I was convinced and then I
learnt that it was preferable for the Muslim woman to be discrete…to be modest.
Furthermore, I read this verse about the veil (hijab) and I was like “ah, there
we go!” I didn’t know I was expected to…wear the veil after all I am saying
like it I said it in my book. And then I thought to myself, “no, that’s weird,
I can’t do this.” I remembered having walked on the beach and saying to myself,
“Melanie, you realize that God is the creator of the sky, the sun and the rain.”
He asks you that and you hassle,” and I thought, “Ok, let’s just give it a
try.”
TV: But
God hasn’t obliged you to wear it. There are some Muslim women who don’t wear
it.
Melanie: Well, at
that time, I didn’t really see the difference between the obliged or
recommended so I covered myself but since I didn’t know any Muslim women who
actually wore a veil (hijab) so I said to myself, “I’m going to wear a small
headband, a hoodie, prove modesty and then after that, it was all about reading
and learning more things every day.
TV:
Suddenly, your conversion was something very private that nobody else knew
about.
Melanie: No!
TV:
Nobody else knew?
Melanie: My
family and close relationships had been informed when I was deciding to convert
to Islam. I informed them. I informed the people I worked with and they knew
that I would be overwhelmed by the scandalous media.
TV: By
a photo…?
Melanie:
Precisely, it was a disaster. We saw those pictures as I was coming out of a
mosque…
TV: …and
the world finds out that “Diams la rappeur” wears a veil.
Melanie: Yeah,
that was…that was stealing. They stole me. They stole a private bit of my life.
They stole…
TV: And
your mother…?
Melanie: My
mother has never seen me dressed like this neither have my grandparents or my
uncle or my friends of course, all my close relatives were lost but the people
that worked with me…I pretty much lost a huge amount of my team because nobody
trusted me.
TV: And
they said that you were a risk to a whole generation, to all the young girls
who had followed you in Rap.
Melanie: Anyway;
when a young girl converts to Islam, people think that she is either
indoctrinated or she has been forced by her husband…as if we have no autonomy
over our lives or intellectual independence. That’s quite new…isn’t it? That’s
what I was accused of, they made me look like someone who always defended women
and their rights and that wasn’t true just to say even today, I can still fight
for women and the inequalities and the unfairness. I don’t see where the problem
is. You see nowadays, these are the confusion that has been made.
TV: The
broadmix between spirituality, radical Islamism and terrorism.
Melanie: It’s
the broadmix between the ‘ignorant’ and the ‘learned.’ There are people who are ignorant and shouldn’t talk. “When
you talk about something, you have to know what you are talking about.”
TV: You
wrote that this religion (Islam) is only presented to the world via extremist
groups and bombings have extremely shocked you.
Melanie:
Yes, completely because that is not what I have seen. ‘I
have seen a religion of wisdom, non-violence, peace, sharing and most of
all…kindness!” It’s the religion of Jesus, Moses, Abraham, Solomon…of all the
prophets. Why do people make us look like that? It is not acceptable for
innocent people to die when attacked/bombed. It’s unthinkable that a
believer (Muslim) would do these kinds of things.
TV: It is
a complicated matter to be veiled in France nowadays.
Melanie:
Well…it stays a free country in the sense that I am allowed to wear my scarf
and be veiled and all of that but…people’s prejudice, nastiness, case of mind
over matter…make one feel tired.
TV: So why did you leave Rap? Was it a constraint
or a choice?
Melanie: No,
not really. It’s true bit by bit I realized that I am living a peaceful life
now, living a family life.
TV: After
all, you have been a mother for a couple months.
Melanie: Yes,
I am a mother.
TV: And
does it seem impossible for you to rap with a veil?
Melanie: No, I
don’t see myself rapping like this. I don’t think I’d fit.
TV: But
rapping is not in contradiction with your religion.
Melanie: Not
exactly, it’s just that I am living on a peaceful life now. I’ve lost all my
old attitudes and emotions. All of a sudden, I realized that I used to write
lyrics with very negative emotions such as anger. It was a tool. It motivated
me. I’m no longer angry.
TV: What
is your daily life now? You have a little girl.
Melanie: Ah!
Well, I live in a small village.
TV: You
are a mother.
Melanie: I am
a mother, I am happy…I am a friend, I am a wife.
TV: Did
you find friends from before?
Melanie: Ah
yes, I found my friends again…Charlotte.
TV: Did
you lose friends during your time of fame?
Melanie: Yeah!
I’ve lost a lot.
TV: So do
you think this is a break for you? Is it a bracket in your life? And the book
ends with the main information saying that you are very happy, now.
Melanie: Yes, ah
yes. I am so happy that…I have a joy in my heart that they (media) cannot steal
from me neither by photos or attacks…or any of that. I have
faith.
TV: Thank
you Diams…
Melanie: Thank
you too…
TV: Thank
you Melanie instead…
Melanie: Thank
you too…thank you.
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